My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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