I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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