i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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