In the future we'll all be gay
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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