u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
