I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
