like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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