So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
