as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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