I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
