Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've blown a few things in my day
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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