It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
