I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
did i walk over a car last night?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
