I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
