I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
