Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
