I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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