I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Text me some of your sweat
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
