she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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