I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
