God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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