My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have already put on my inside pants.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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