Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
