You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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