garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
