I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
