Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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