Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
