Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
