well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
