Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
