If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
