you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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