..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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