I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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