i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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