I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
