i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
