i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
