My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
