I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
