Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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