I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
