Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
