I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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