Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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