I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
