Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
