Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i think i have herpe
just one?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
