I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
