my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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